I have this obsession for information when it comes to Matthew. Every result we get leaves doors half opened, never totally shut and never totally open. The minute we get a result I spend my days and nights on Facebook and forums and googling every possible combination. When I check my Facebook, my feed is flooded with stories of other people’s journeys. I imagine walking a mile in their shoes and I wonder will this be the walk we will take with Matthew.
We never get a straight answer from the doctors, every answer we get is – we just don’t know. We don’t know what his future will hold; they explain the worst situation and then say this is just one possibility maybe it won’t affect him at all!! In some ways I wish we could get a clear answer, in other ways I am glad we don’t have the limitation. I have to believe what I know to be true, that Matthew will be great.
This weekend I have been in a fog, my head has been filled with other people’s journeys and my heart has been heavy. I hate when I get like this I just can’t focus on the positives. We had a workout on Saturday and it really cleared my head, in fact half way through the session my trainer laughed at me and said ‘slow down super woman!’I had a lot of anger to work through! It gave me clarity.
I went home that night I unfollowed, unfriended and deleted every group that was clogging up my news feed. ( if you survived the cut it means that I value your outlook on life, you survived as well as the Dalai Lama!)
Sometimes we can be so obsessed with information and forgot about what is right infront of us. This little boy who is so happy and giggles so much when we chase him down the road, who grabs my head to kiss me when he’s not happy, who sticks one thumb in his mouth and the other in mine because he is tired. This is our road of uncertainty and bumps and information can only get us so far. Living will get us the rest of the way.